Christmas! Attack!

Twas the War On Christmas

By Daniel S. Brenner

Twas the war on Christmas, when all through the land
’holiday’ greetings of happiness were banned.
Christmas cheer was spread to Sikh and Hindu,
’Christ is Born’ cards sent to the ACLU.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions 360 danced in their heads.
And mamma on her yoga mat, and I in my jeans,
Had just clicked on the TV for some more of split screens.

When there on the tube there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my Sudoku to see what was the matter.
a long haired Galilean like from olden days
was wishing Americans ‘Happy Holidays’

The moon high above the new-fallen snow
projected his image on WalMarts below.
in vast parking lots appeared all sorts of peoples
the sort who sway hands under megachurch steeples.

He spoke without parable, in verse slow and quick:
’I think that you have me confused with St. Nick!
It wasn’t to bring more possessions I came,
but to glorify, dignify God’s holy name!

"Now O’Reilly! now, Falwell! now, McCullough and Gibson!
Now, Farah! Limbaugh! Now Coulter and Dobson!
To the pew you should go! To your knees you should fall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
these warriors for Christmas let out a cry.
they wept, they lamented, they let out a plea,
Didn’t we learn anything from watching the Passion DVD?

And then, in a twinkling, my speakers blew
and somehow I heard the sounds of U2.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Bono came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, from his head to his foot,
And his old leather jacket was tarnished with soot.
An old Stratocaster he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His shades how they twinkled! His song so sublime!
Feed the world! Let them know that it is christmastime!
His mike to his mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Donating all proceeds that flow to the show.

Now this was a war for right jolly old elves!
To give to some cause other than themselves!
To think of Darfur and those in extreme need,
rather than waste more hot air on some holiday creed.

I sprang to my feet, gave my neighbors a call,
Muslims, Christians, Jews, Sikhs, Hindus et. al.
Let us give from our hearts and do what is right,
"Happy Holidays to some, and to others good-night!"