Rosh Hashannah Predictions 5771

Please note that all of these predictions are within a margin of error
of +/- 2 percent. Enjoy! Daniel


78% of people will pay more attention to the stickers that say
“This prayer book donated in memory of” than the actual prayers.

34% of American three-year-olds will make mildly annoying shofar
noises on the car ride home.

67% of rabbis will say with great sincerity the words “t’shuvah means
more than repentance” but never actually get to the part where they
explain what else it means.

62% of husbands will call out to wives “where are the f*@#ing tickets?”

82% of male worshippers in Reform synagogues will spend the New Year
staring at the assistant rabbis’ curves.

67% of worshippers in Conservative synagogues will whisper "what page
are we on?" at least twelve times during the service. 82% of those
questioned will have no idea.

73% of female worshippers in Orthodox synagogues will experience hat envy.

81% of worshippers in Reconstustionist synagogues will wonder why
after twenty years they are still meeting in a moldy church.

45% of men who take medication for erectile dysfunction will close
their eyes during the Shema.

36% of residents of the Twin Cities area will say, under their breath,
“the brisket is a little dry.”

28% of shofar blowers in the Mid-Atlantic states will lift the shofar
skywards and have to adjust their tallis.

48% will prefer the honey cake with the little crushed walnuts.

100% of Jewish poets will imagine the “Who shall live and who shall
die” liturgy as a Mad Lib.

17% of Jewish Women International members will inadvertently send
musical Rosh Hashannah e-cards to their entire list of email contacts.

Honey wholesalers will once again experience the 2% “Jew-bump”

91% of all Jews will feel that services ran “about an hour too long.”
88% of them will blame it on the rabbi.

22% of Jewish grandmothers will leave messages for their grandchildren
on voice mail – and know that they are home. 99% of them will be home.

Only 24% of Jews over the age of ten will spill wine or grape juice on
their clothing.

84% of the Jewish population will have that awkward moment when
someone whose face you recognize but name you have totally forgotten
waves, smiles and asks “how are you?”

74% of all people who do a responsive reading will enter into the
gates of repentance.

- Daniel S. Brenner